Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter