Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?