Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.