Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Yes, but it was never about money

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do