Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

Is your wife single?

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy