Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.