Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Oops
