Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Not recommended for beginners.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
#Caturday
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby