Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks