Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.