once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy