once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
