Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

Florida man

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.