Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
This bar smells like my childhood.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.