Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
never ask a starfish for directions
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Every
Single
Year
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news