once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You Might Also Like
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead