once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes