once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.