once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.