Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Am getting real tired of your crap…

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?