Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
sometimes i miss this memes
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
