Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.