Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.