Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.