once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
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Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.