once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
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Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
O Wise One….
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.