Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
pain
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok