Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
where’s Godzilla when we need him
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.