once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
What the hell happened in there??
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?