Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

wait.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.