Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”