Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*