Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half