Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

are they though??

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business