Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.