Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Matt Goss
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.