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Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu