Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
shut up and take my money
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school