Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
😂🐈⬛
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
181.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
