Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
that would 100% work on me
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
