Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
mechanics be like
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
could’ve been anyone
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.