Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
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When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.