Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace