Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
#merica
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.