Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
You Might Also Like
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness