Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*updates tinder bio*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
im all 3
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
