Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
