Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
