Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Big Sex has us all fooled

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.