Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

definitely did not do anything wrong

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.