Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Livid.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Cinema or bowling

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

They’re called werewolves.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!