Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol