If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
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Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.
When I’m having sex with him.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.