Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
