Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Natty or not?
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*