Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.