Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Meowchelangelo
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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