once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You Might Also Like
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Bear knowledge
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes