Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.