Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
You Might Also Like
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Go girl power!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.