Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Snapes on a plane.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd