Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.