Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.