Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.