Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Lassie, get help!

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

Plant care tips

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start