once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
