once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
This is my cat’s medicine.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday