Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?