Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.