Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
March 16
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
