Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now