Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My first son he is wonderful
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.