Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040