Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I can’t stop watching this.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out