Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?