Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.