Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
the three branches of government
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”