Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
i want enemies
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.