Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Born to be mild.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”