Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
marvel comics have peaked
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.