Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad