Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?